Why Pet Memorials Matter After Loss
Updated: Sep 29
The moment after loss can feel like free fall
"I don't know what to do next." is a common statement I hear after someone loses their pet. Obviously, they are grieving; but the question is asked because the path to navigate the grief is invisible.
When a human passes away, there are a series of societal expectations and normal customs that help someone figure out how to tell the world about their loss and how to celebrate the life that has gone.
Obituaries not only serve this purpose, but they also allow anyone who may have known the person to reach out and offer condolences, or even attend the memorial service. Facilitating this connection forms a support system of shared grief that allows a family to express their feelings safely and seek comfort from others.
Sharing grief is a basic ritual of healing for social cultures.
Unfortunately, pet loss grief is different.
Pet loss grief can feel invisible
Pet loss grief is classified as disenfranchised grief, meaning there is no societal template, no generally accepted "normal" behavior, for someone to follow. Not only is there a lack of guidance for sharing your grief; there is a level of societal discomfort associated with even discussing the loss, as if pet loss grief were in some way abnormal or shameful.
When you don't have a script, grief can feel isolating. You may not know who it is "appropriate" to tell, what is "acceptable" to feel, or what you are "supposed" to do next. That uncertainty is part of what makes pet loss so hard.
Why society hasn't fully caught up
This lack of societal patterning for pet loss grief is rooted in the roles animals traditionally played in our lives. Animals were historically treated as tools: horses pulled a plow, cats killed mice, and dogs helped us hunt food. Only in the last fifty years has the human-animal bond been recognized, and animals accepted as companions and family members.
Unfortunately, even though pets are now widely accepted as family members, not all aspects of society have kept pace, so the way to publicly grieve a lost pet remains to be fully defined.
Why memorials matter
Even though there are not social patterns of grief to follow, it needs to be understood that wanting to have some form of memorial to celebrate your pet's life is normal and completely reasonable.
A memorial in any form is a tangible way of acknowledging the loss, and it allows you to start processing the grief.
That matters, because love deserves recognition. And grief deserves acknowledgment. When you honor your pet's life in a concrete way, you are also giving your heart permission to understand what happened.
The bond was real
Unconditional love and acceptance are the foundations of the human-animal bond. Every tail wag from your dog, purring exchange from your cat, excited whistle from your bird, nicker from your horse, or eager attention from your reptile, showed you that you are loved and appreciated. It felt good every single time you had that exchange.
Of course you want to honor the life you and your pet shared; that is a very valid need.
Public or private: you get to decide
To address this need, you can decide how you want to memorialize your pet: in a public expression, or something more private. This is about what feels right to you, so the only rules associated with it are the ones that you set.
Some people want witnesses. Some people want quiet. Many people want a mix. None of those choices are wrong.
Examples of public pet memorials
Examples of public pet memorials are things that can be found on the internet or seen in a public place.
Examples of public memorials are:
a social media post
an engraved stone or brick on a memorial path
a donation to a shelter or charity in your pet's name
Public memorials can be a way to say, "This mattered," and to invite support, if that feels helpful to you.
Examples of private pet memorials
Examples of more private memorials are things that can only be seen by individuals who are invited to view them, such as:
a planting in your yard
a special framed photo
a box that contains their collar, a locket of fur, and their favorite toy
Private memorials can be just as powerful. Sometimes the most meaningful acts are the ones no one else sees.
A service is okay. A private goodbye is okay.
If you wish to hold some form of service at your home, in a park, or a pet cemetery, where family and friends attend, tell stories, and share memories, that is okay.
If you feel it is more appropriate to celebrate your pet's life privately by planting a tree over their remains on your property, that is okay.
What is most important about how you memorialize your pet is that it has meaning and value to you.
Whatever the form it takes, the purpose of the memorial is to honor your pet's life and the bond that you shared; your love was real and your grief is valid.
Not sure what to do next?
If you don't know what to do next, choose one small memorial step. Pick something you can do in the next 24 to 72 hours. Small counts.
Choose one photo and write one sentence about what you loved most
Light a candle and say their name out loud
Place their collar, toy, or tag somewhere safe and intentional
Tell one person: "I'm not okay today. My grief is real."
If you want a place to keep their photos and their story, The Forever Space is a free online pet memorial from Jasper. No membership required.
Dr. Sarah Hoggan is an emergency veterinarian, Chief Veterinary Officer at Jasper, and a two-time TEDx speaker on the psychology of pet loss.
If you are carrying this weight, you don't have to carry it alone. Jasper's community is a place where people who have made this decision hold space for each other, with honesty and without judgment.
